little one,
you're going to be a good one.
i just feel it,
and i've felt it since you began growing inside of me.
you're going to have a calm and a pleasantness all your own.
you're going to have big dreams and a big heart.
and even when people would ask me what gender i thought you were and i would say i really didn't know, i did kind of feel that you were a girl,
yet i still don't really really know, but i hope you are.
it's almost christmas time and we'll unwrap gifts, and then shortly after we'll unwrap you.
it's going to be a busily exciting time.
we're anxious and scared and happy all at the same time.
am overly excited to get to know you,
to get to know your dad in a whole new way (wow...your dad?),
to see you with grandparents & cousins & aunts & uncles.
was thinking back on the day we decided that WE should become FAMILY.
we were content, we liked being us, but there also wasn't a reason to wait too long--
except for unfinished schooling, work, finances, internship, time, feeling ready, selfishness, still newlywedness, duh dot duh dot duh dot.
oh that's right, there were all those concerns and yet, the schooling is now almost done, work will always be work, your dad couldn't be more financially well minded, internship will be an adventure for the 3 of us, time-well there's never enough of it, waiting to feel ready would take us to our death beds, selfishness could also take us to our death beds, and still being somewhat of newlyweds-well we think that will last a lifetime.
and we're here so close to family, so close to those who will love you like we do and we want you to experience that.
so we put all reason aside, hoping some little soul was waiting for us,
and you were.
you surprised us quickly and my 25 years of knowing that motherhood was for me, hit me hard.
i was scared.
i was scared for the timing, i was scared for the changes, i was scared to not feel like myself anymore, i was just scared.
and when we expressed that we weren't ready and that we needed more time for us, people would say, you do have time, you have 9 months.
we didn't believe them and we thought through our silence & our wonder & our fears.
and i pleaded a bit with God, not wanting Him to think me ungrateful.
but here we are, 8 months along and we have had time for us,
wonderful time that hasn't changed who we are but has expanded who we are.
who we are individually and who we are together.
i think you will continue to expand us.
and little one,
i want to remember to not only be your mother, a good mom,
but to be your dad's wife, a good wife.
he feels you kick & squirm & say hello,
he rubs & tickles & loves you inside my belly.
i know he will adore you.
i adore him.
and my glamorous image of motherhood,
staying at home nestled with kids, painting in the afternoon, eating sandwiches cut into the shape of stars, and little giggles heard may or may not be real,
but i'm going to do my best and i'm going to love you and support you and marvel at you.
so ready or not,
we're here and waiting
to welcome you on your big day.